I am academically winded and educationally humbled. Apparently I am not as good at writing as I had formerly believed. I feel like I've had a scholastic enema. With marks across the board in first term that are less than satisfying to me, I am agressively poised to take on second term with teeth and vigilance. Good things come to those who wait, . . . and work their sorry asses off! I shall not retreat and I shall not fail. Bring it on!
See you in hell,
Shakes.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Almost lost until Alex's bum . . .
Well, well, well. What have we here? It would appear that my return to the academic environment in the capacity of student has taken its toll on my writing. After producing nearly 10,000 words worth of essays in only four months, I have reached a full-fledged writer's block. Inspiration is fleeting of late, if not altogether absent. I am surrounded with sameness and I see my children far too infrequently. So where do we go from here? Reaching deep into the recesses of my mind and the archives of my memory, so shall I find a gem, and in it I will revel at the writer's desk once again. Where is Alex when I need him?
Aaaaaah, Alex. Yes, of course. How could I have been so blind. His endless tomfoolery is a plethora of tales to tell. Here's one I'd nearly forgotten.
My friendship with Alex had really only just begun. I barely knew him but he struck me as a semi-boring, hyper-intellectual, brooding, Italian egomaniac. I quite liked him and, unlike most people, was not at all intimidated by him. I think that's why he liked me too. One evening, in one of his many vain attempts to entertain female cast members, we were sitting about his apartment revelling in the agricultural achievements of Columbia and Jamaica. Alex's hospitality was refreshingly entertaining and eloquent. Verbal humour peppered with intermissions of his light musical stylings carried us through several bouyant hours of revelry. However, as delightful as he was as a host, and as excellent as he was at practicing verbal wit, my opinion of him had not substantially changed. Then something unexpected happened.
His television had been idly observing our group all the while. In a moment of quiet, my attention turned towards it and I noticed that it had been tuned to the black-and-white security camera feed of the front door of his apartment building.
"Alex, why do you leave your TV on the security feed?"
"I know. It's weird, but my room-mate likes to watch it. He taped 8 hours of it last night while he was at work and then stayed up all night when he got home watching it! Don't ask me."
Alex's very reclusive and eccentric roommate is another story to be told altogether. He's an 'artist' and one of the most interesting people you will never meet.
But our story is about Alex. I must give him credit. In the much-needed humour department, he raised the stakes. He said, "Hey, you wanna see something funny?", and surely, I did. He then promptly retrieved a pillow-case from his bedroom and exited his own apartment leaving me alone with several of his unacquainted female guests. As I barely knew Alex himself, the situation was a bit odd. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, I was beginning to truly wish for his return. For all I knew, however, he wasn't coming back at all. I knew him well enough to recognize that he might be a touch idiosyncratic in his social dealings.
Just then, the black-and-white security feed caught my eye. Wouldn't you know it, there was old Alex with a pillow-case over his head at the front door of his building, with his britches at his knees and his full moon raised in pride at the camera. I did a spit-take of rye across the room and burst into uproarious laughter. But the show was far from over. While bent over, pillow-case over his head, and ass to the gods, he did a little spanky-spanky and then continued with some Jim-Carrey-like bum cheek dialogue. It was a silent feed but the image was side-splitting. It dawned on me that the security feed goes into every apartment in the building and I laughed even harder. After a few minutes, the show was over, but it was almost as funny to see him fumbling with his front door keys while peeking out from under the pillow-case in an attempt to re-enter and maintain his now much needed anonymity.
I was still wiping tears away and waiting for his inevitable return from downstairs when the show was reprised with an unexpected encore. He burst onto camera and dropped his drawers again to reveal a second hilarious viewing of his hairy nether-regions. He raised the stakes even further when he turned around and gave his eager viewers a full frontal (sans head - under pillow-case). My belly ached. It was glorious.
The climactic finale was achieved when, in the camera, we saw an otherwise unsuspecting fellow apartment-dweller arrive at the front door while he was blindly waggling his wiles. She was a conservative-looking elderly woman - perfect, hilarious. I have no idea the conversation that ensued but it looked awkward. The woman was clearly a little shocked at talking to a man with his pants at his ankles and a pillow-case for a head. My laughter continued. Then the good samaritan assisted Alex as he fumbled with his keys again. Congratulations Alex: I have never questioned your rapier wit from that brave moment of hilarious bravery/stupidity. You are still, and are likely to remain for some time, the man!
See you in hell,
Shakes.
Aaaaaah, Alex. Yes, of course. How could I have been so blind. His endless tomfoolery is a plethora of tales to tell. Here's one I'd nearly forgotten.
My friendship with Alex had really only just begun. I barely knew him but he struck me as a semi-boring, hyper-intellectual, brooding, Italian egomaniac. I quite liked him and, unlike most people, was not at all intimidated by him. I think that's why he liked me too. One evening, in one of his many vain attempts to entertain female cast members, we were sitting about his apartment revelling in the agricultural achievements of Columbia and Jamaica. Alex's hospitality was refreshingly entertaining and eloquent. Verbal humour peppered with intermissions of his light musical stylings carried us through several bouyant hours of revelry. However, as delightful as he was as a host, and as excellent as he was at practicing verbal wit, my opinion of him had not substantially changed. Then something unexpected happened.
His television had been idly observing our group all the while. In a moment of quiet, my attention turned towards it and I noticed that it had been tuned to the black-and-white security camera feed of the front door of his apartment building.
"Alex, why do you leave your TV on the security feed?"
"I know. It's weird, but my room-mate likes to watch it. He taped 8 hours of it last night while he was at work and then stayed up all night when he got home watching it! Don't ask me."
Alex's very reclusive and eccentric roommate is another story to be told altogether. He's an 'artist' and one of the most interesting people you will never meet.
But our story is about Alex. I must give him credit. In the much-needed humour department, he raised the stakes. He said, "Hey, you wanna see something funny?", and surely, I did. He then promptly retrieved a pillow-case from his bedroom and exited his own apartment leaving me alone with several of his unacquainted female guests. As I barely knew Alex himself, the situation was a bit odd. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, I was beginning to truly wish for his return. For all I knew, however, he wasn't coming back at all. I knew him well enough to recognize that he might be a touch idiosyncratic in his social dealings.
Just then, the black-and-white security feed caught my eye. Wouldn't you know it, there was old Alex with a pillow-case over his head at the front door of his building, with his britches at his knees and his full moon raised in pride at the camera. I did a spit-take of rye across the room and burst into uproarious laughter. But the show was far from over. While bent over, pillow-case over his head, and ass to the gods, he did a little spanky-spanky and then continued with some Jim-Carrey-like bum cheek dialogue. It was a silent feed but the image was side-splitting. It dawned on me that the security feed goes into every apartment in the building and I laughed even harder. After a few minutes, the show was over, but it was almost as funny to see him fumbling with his front door keys while peeking out from under the pillow-case in an attempt to re-enter and maintain his now much needed anonymity.
I was still wiping tears away and waiting for his inevitable return from downstairs when the show was reprised with an unexpected encore. He burst onto camera and dropped his drawers again to reveal a second hilarious viewing of his hairy nether-regions. He raised the stakes even further when he turned around and gave his eager viewers a full frontal (sans head - under pillow-case). My belly ached. It was glorious.
The climactic finale was achieved when, in the camera, we saw an otherwise unsuspecting fellow apartment-dweller arrive at the front door while he was blindly waggling his wiles. She was a conservative-looking elderly woman - perfect, hilarious. I have no idea the conversation that ensued but it looked awkward. The woman was clearly a little shocked at talking to a man with his pants at his ankles and a pillow-case for a head. My laughter continued. Then the good samaritan assisted Alex as he fumbled with his keys again. Congratulations Alex: I have never questioned your rapier wit from that brave moment of hilarious bravery/stupidity. You are still, and are likely to remain for some time, the man!
See you in hell,
Shakes.
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