Snippets

Since Marianne and I became a couple, life has been . . . different. With her three kids (aged 12, 8 and 6) mixed with my three kids (aged 12, 8 and 6) we are a virtual Brady Bunch. Well, a similar Brady Bunch, sans gorgeous upper-middle class suburban home, live-in maid, and ridiculously positive outlook on life. Nevertheless, our house is filled with buoyancy and humour at all times thanks to the plethora of youthful innocence, teenage brooding, and adult cynicism that is the uniquely irreverent and unorthodox tenor of our family and parenting-style. The following are a few samples.

At the Beach:
Camille: Hey Dave! Is this a fossil?
Dave: Yes Camille! Millions and millions of years ago, that was also a rock.

Studying Planets:
Camille: We've been learning about the planets in school.
MJ: What's your favourite planet, Millie?
Camille: Uranus (pronouncing it 'your anus')
Dave: *snicker* I don't think people pronounce it that way.
Camille: Dave, is there a DisneyLand on Uranus?
Dave: Ooooooooooooh yeah!

Self-deprecating Irony:
Dave: It's like one of those situations where a woman sets herself up to be insulted by asking something like, 'Do these pants make me look fat?'
MJ: I would never ask you if something made me look fat! Do I look stupid!?

Pregnancy, Genetics, and Ears That Stick (Waaaaaay) Out:
MJ: I took a 'Which Disney character are you?' quiz on facebook and the answer came back as Dumbo.
Dave: Baaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha! EARS!
MJ: Uhh, those ears have now officially been introduced into your gene pool, Sweetheart!
Dave: Oh great. My genetic legacy has now become soiled for generations. A long line of descendants will be depicted in photos as years and years of ears and ears!

First Words and Pronunciation:
Milo: Lookit-at dis Daddy! Ponember when we firss watch dis movie? It was called Lego Star Wars II and it had a big huge 'mongous Minja Turtle in it!

Fear and Respect:
I heard this one as I was lying in my bedroom mid-afternoon with the window open. Rory was talking to some 'friends' who were encouraging him to do something about which he obviously didn't feel comfortable. He was unaware that I was within earshot and what he said is a testimonial to his good character and respectfulness.
Rory: Uuuuh. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think my Dad would approve.
Bad Kid: Come on Rory. Your Dad will never know.
Rory: Ha! Unlikely. You can deal with my Dad's wrath. He may not look very big, but I assure you, it's a baaaaaad idea to fuck with my Dad.

Unwelcome Revelations:
On an early date with MJ we went skating and ran into a long-time friend of hers whose name was Tracy, I think.
Tracy: Well it's a pleasure to meet you Dave. After all the guys MJ's dated it's nice to finally meet a nice one.
Dave: "ALL" the guys? That sounds very much like a collective noun.
MJ (a bright shade of red): TRAAAAACYY! There hasn't been that many!!

Crafts and Refuse:
Camille: Look at these figurines Dave. Aren't they pretty?
Dave: OMG, Camille. Put those disgusting things back in the garbage. They look like they're covered in mold, for crying out loud. My god, you've got to stop picking things out of the garbage!
Camille: . . . but I painted these today in class . . .
Dave: Ooooooooh. Uh, yeah, right. They're great. Wow. You did a, uh, great job, hon. I just, uh, thought, uh, you know what? Just go show them to your mother. I love you, honey.

Messy Kids and Bad Parenting:
Dave: Dear God, Milo! You're a mess! What's all over your face?
Milo: There's some spaghetti sauce, some paint and glue from school today, and there's probably some dirt.
Dave: Oh, well then. There you have it. Very well. Carry on.
Marianne (from the other room): MAKE HIM WASH HIS FACE!

Messy Kids and Bad Parenting 2:
Milo returns to the dinner table from upstairs.
Marianne: Where were you, Milo?
Milo: In the bathroom.
Marianne: Did you go pee?
Milo: Yes.
Marianne: Did you wash your hands?
Milo: No.
Marianne: Dave, can you please deal with this?
Dave: I'm sorry. What's going on?
Marianne: Milo went pee and didn't wash his hands.
Dave: Well, did you pee on your hands Milo?
Milo: No.
Dave. Very well. Carry on.
Marianne: MAKE HIM WASH HIS HANDS!

Neat Hair:
Camille (looking like a bag-lady): I was upstairs brushing my hair.
Dave: With what? . . . a branch?

Toothaches:
Aiden woke up one morning with a cheek like a chipmunk. I pointed it out to Marianne and she dismissed it by saying that he always wakes up 'puffy'. I encouraged her to look again and she had to admit that something was amiss. A trip to the dentist revealed that he had an abscessed tooth and he was prescribed antibiotics. They seemed to do the job but slowly. Some three weeks later as Marianne was brushing Aiden's teeth, she pulled a sizable chunk of plastic out of Aidens' mouth. They had the following conversation:
Marianne: Aiden! What is this?
Aiden: Oooooh yeah. That's what the dentist was trying to get out. I wondered what happened to that.
Marianne: This has been in your mouth for three weeks!?
Aiden: Weeeell, I was walking home with my mouth open and it just flew in there. I forgot about it.
Marianne: (laughing but concerned) And you just left it there, didn't try to get it out or even think about it the next day when you had a swollen face and a toothache!?
Aiden: I fooorgooooooot about it!
Dave: What have you been brushing your teeth with? . . . a branch?

Birthday Social Suicide:
Camille (who knows full well what squash is): Can we have squash instead of hotdogs at my birthday party?
Marianne: Uuuuuh, ooooookay, but I don't know if any of your guests will want to come.

Difficulties with Math:
Dave: An eight-year-old might say that.
Marianne: (trying to be rhetorically sarcastic) Yeah, maybe if they were born a century ago!

Culturally Uncultured:
Marianne (to Asian parking attendant): How much is that?
Attendant: (thick Asian accent) Wun dolla.
Marianne (turning to me to ask for change and inadvertently imitating the attendant's accent perfectly, who could hear every word): WUN DOLLA!
Dave: Dear god that was rude! Aren't you half-Asian!?
Marianne: (turning red) Chinese people don't care. They're used to it.
Dave: She was Korean. They're not ALL Chinese.

Dishonesty, Movie Allusions, British Titles, and Pregnancy:
Dave: . . . and if you think your little gambits for lying fool us Megan, you are sorely mistaken because I assure you that I have a PhD in lying and manipulation, and if you want to meet an even greater source of deceptive talent, (pointing at Marianne) I invite you to talk with Lord Vader herself.
Marianne: I'm not a Lord. I'm a . . . what would the wife of a Lord be?
Megan: A Duchess.
Dave: NO! That would be for a Duke! The female of 'Lord' is 'Lady'.
Megan: Well what's the male of a Baroness?
Dave: As in the male of actrESS or waitrESS!? I'll give you three guesses!
Marianne: A Count?
Dave: No! Baron!
Marianne: Well I'm pregnant! How right do ya expect me to be!?

Bad Parenting and Childhood Justice:
On one occasion, after Camille lost a tooth, she asked Marianne to keep it under care until we were at home and she could put it safely under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy. Marianne, of course, promptly lost the tooth. The following letter was found under Camille's pillow.
Dear Tooth Fairy,
My mom threw my tooth in the garbage by accident and I was very sad.
Love, Camille.

Learning to Read and Wishful Thinking:
Camille is a real garbage picker. Once in the midst of her learning to read, she was sitting in the backseat of the van inspecting an advertisement for a Garage Sale, which she slowly sounded out as, "GaaaaarrBaaage Sale". Marianne and I were hysterical with laughter.

Theatrical Credit Due:
I doubt I can do this one justice in prose text so you will have to use your visual imagination to try and picture the moment. Blair, shirtless and wearing only pajama bottoms, came bolting into the upstairs bathroom one night while I was brushing my teeth. He laid down some trifle of humour which escapes my memory and then bolted out again. Whatever he had said caused me to do a toothpaste spit-take of laughter into the mirror. Recognizing that his comedic raconteurship had been well appreciated, he decided to take a much deserved bow in true Christopher theatrical style. Now here is where you have to really picture it. He twice skimmed sideways past the bathroom door which framed my brief image of him, both times repeatedly bowing while running and saying,
"Sank you, sank you. I'll be here all week."

See you in hell,
Shakes.